the countdown has begun

Have you ever had a moment where you just wished you could reboot your life?

like when your phone starts acting up. LTE is lagging, or pictures aren't loading and instead of (or after) throwing it you just decide to turn that shit off and hope it figures itself out during the reboot...

well...i'm kind of at that moment.

I'm really working on being more positive - and I don't want to create this image that my life is bad. It's far from it. I'm very blessed.

I love my job. I love my family. I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back and food on the table, etc. etc. etc.

it's more the little thing.

i miss my mom.

like really miss her. and my sister. and my friend from back home. i miss them a lot.

and living so far away - well i thought it would get easier at some point. and it's not all bad. i have a lot of freedom. and a lot of opportunities. Sunny loves it here and honestly it's all she knows since we moved her when she was barely 1.


but the older i get the more i realize that i don't want to look back and regret the times i wasn't with them.

my aunt is having surgery next week. (that sounds random but just hang in there). My mother is one of sever and has tons of siblings living here - so i have tons of cousins as well. and when i decided to move here that was one of the selling points - family. but the family is different. I moved away when i was 7 and life went on. they have shared experiences, inside jokes, memories that i couldn't possibly relate to.

they had more time with out grandparents.


to the point that when my mom comes to visit they are able to sit with her and talk about her parents as if they grew up with her rather than as my contemporary.

and in the beginning i almost resented them for that. that time with them that i didn't have.

and we're close -but not as close as i thought we'd be. because there's this barrier. like i haven't really joined the club yet. i don't know the secret handshake. i didn't drink the punch. so i go over for holidays and they call me on birthdays...but i'm never really THERE for stuff...




and more recently I started realizing that my daughter is missing out...missing out on those memories and those experiences. not with my cousins but with her cousin and her grandmother and aunt and friends...


she's only 4...there's a lot of time. but time is passing. everyday it's passing.

it's flying by and during all of it we're out here...on pause.

well not pause - because it's not paused for anyone else.




and we're missing out on those inside jokes and family stories. the cousin squabbles and tags, and races, and dance performances. the life lessons that you learn at 3 in the morning in the dark with a flashlight and a best friend. the stories that you always remember because its your grandmother telling them while stirring a steaming pot and theirs snow on the ground and you couldn't imagine a different life...


we're missing that.



and i think it's time to unpause.


and reboot.


and head back into something that might not be as easy. and might not have as much freedom or as many opportunities...but in the long run will set a firmer foundation.


because the future is always fluctuating...but its your past that you also lean on.


and...well...i miss mine. i miss my foundation. and i think Sunny could use a bit more rocks to climb on.