resigned to joy

wow i forgot you were here...move twice, forget an old email address and it's like we're strangers or something, but i'm going to work on that. Now that we're back. Now that we're friends again per se.

I’m going to start writing more. Because sometimes I feel like everything I say is negative – or at least my mother always says I’m negative. personally think I have a self deprecating sense of humor…but alas.

I want to focus more on the positive. I want ppl to think of me as fun, and funny, and honest and nice. Honest, but nice. Nice and honest. Rather than blunt…and kind of mean in my honesty. But honest –

I want honest to be remembered and rather appreciated.

Today has been interesting day. I woke up early. I’ve been doing that a lot recently. Waking up about an hour before my alarm is supposed to go off for no reason. Today it was around 2:55. My alarm was set for 4 because Sunny had ice skating. I halfheartedly tried to go back to sleep, but I knew it was too late. If I went back to sleep for an hour I would undoubtedly sleep thru all of my alarms.

So I resigned myself to wakefulness.

i.e. I surfed the web. 

I went onto youtube to watch interviews of ppl I find inspirational or funny. Actors in interviews laughing with friends. Finding funny answers to impossible questions. Those are my favorite. The guys in supernatural do that a lot.

Just have a great time together and the audience just seems to be invited to watch them have fun.

The marvel guys these days do as well.

 I guess the videos are old. I wasn’t really watching them before – I don’t know how I traveled down this wormhole to watching them this much. But watching someone who seems to be a watcher pulled into a friendship with a doer is hilarious. How he tries to stay remote and laughter just seems to burst out of him.

The surprised look on his face when he gets caught up in the hilarity. The moment when he realized that his friend is about to start a joke. As if he’s resigned to the joy. You could fall in love with that. I think I fall in love with that.

That’s my kind of guy. I like to find quiet guys on the edges – who watch and remark (probably judge if I were to examine it more)

and I like to pull them into the joke. I like to watch them fall apart in laughter – knowing that I was the cause of it. Finding what it was that tickles them and when they least expect it pull it out and watch them resign themselves to joy.

But maybe that gets old after a while…or they get tired of that joy. In the end we both end up resigned. The jokes stop being so funny. The effort for laughter less exciting. The humor fading in to the grey of watching. I don’t like the grey. I don’t like the watching….and then I resent it…and they resent it….and we part.

I don’t want to spend my life watching.

I like laughing and playing and kidding with friends. But I also don’t like searching ppl out for friendship. The effort of finding someone of playing the game of convincing them to pursue it…knowing that sometimes I won’t want to be the pursuer…that sometime I’d rather be pursued…and sometimes I don’t want to be caught.

But then I find myself awake at weird hours…watching videos of friends pulling each other into laughter and I smile remembering that feeling…finding joy in it…and I little sadness around the edges.

but that is my new policy. resigned joy. that will eventually become continual joy. see baby steps to positivity. But in the meantime i'll just write here...and maybe just writing all the silly, sad, aggravating, lovely things in every day life my humor will come across with joy.