the countdown has begun

Have you ever had a moment where you just wished you could reboot your life?

like when your phone starts acting up. LTE is lagging, or pictures aren't loading and instead of (or after) throwing it you just decide to turn that shit off and hope it figures itself out during the reboot...

well...i'm kind of at that moment.

I'm really working on being more positive - and I don't want to create this image that my life is bad. It's far from it. I'm very blessed.

I love my job. I love my family. I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back and food on the table, etc. etc. etc.

it's more the little thing.

i miss my mom.

like really miss her. and my sister. and my friend from back home. i miss them a lot.

and living so far away - well i thought it would get easier at some point. and it's not all bad. i have a lot of freedom. and a lot of opportunities. Sunny loves it here and honestly it's all she knows since we moved her when she was barely 1.


but the older i get the more i realize that i don't want to look back and regret the times i wasn't with them.

my aunt is having surgery next week. (that sounds random but just hang in there). My mother is one of sever and has tons of siblings living here - so i have tons of cousins as well. and when i decided to move here that was one of the selling points - family. but the family is different. I moved away when i was 7 and life went on. they have shared experiences, inside jokes, memories that i couldn't possibly relate to.

they had more time with out grandparents.


to the point that when my mom comes to visit they are able to sit with her and talk about her parents as if they grew up with her rather than as my contemporary.

and in the beginning i almost resented them for that. that time with them that i didn't have.

and we're close -but not as close as i thought we'd be. because there's this barrier. like i haven't really joined the club yet. i don't know the secret handshake. i didn't drink the punch. so i go over for holidays and they call me on birthdays...but i'm never really THERE for stuff...




and more recently I started realizing that my daughter is missing out...missing out on those memories and those experiences. not with my cousins but with her cousin and her grandmother and aunt and friends...


she's only 4...there's a lot of time. but time is passing. everyday it's passing.

it's flying by and during all of it we're out here...on pause.

well not pause - because it's not paused for anyone else.




and we're missing out on those inside jokes and family stories. the cousin squabbles and tags, and races, and dance performances. the life lessons that you learn at 3 in the morning in the dark with a flashlight and a best friend. the stories that you always remember because its your grandmother telling them while stirring a steaming pot and theirs snow on the ground and you couldn't imagine a different life...


we're missing that.



and i think it's time to unpause.


and reboot.


and head back into something that might not be as easy. and might not have as much freedom or as many opportunities...but in the long run will set a firmer foundation.


because the future is always fluctuating...but its your past that you also lean on.


and...well...i miss mine. i miss my foundation. and i think Sunny could use a bit more rocks to climb on.

..and another one bites the dust...

That moment when your celebrity crush says something racially insensitive on their facebook...

and then when you post a response and he comes back with more nonsense

and when you finally have to let go of the infatuation

I obviously has great taste in men...

dammit...

Is it too soon?

Sunny has been having bully issues as of late.

Which is actually a very strange concept for us. Well the fact that she is being bullied is a strange concept. Bullying however is not new to us. Actually it's a warning I usually have to tell her new teachers.

You see Sunny is very tall for her age...and too smart for her own good. and when she gets bored she will...i don't know if bully is the right word...she just takes over.

classes...

                   activities...

                                              projects...

                                                                           the world...

you name it...she'll conquer it if there is time willing.


I usually request that she's placed in a class of older children just to make sure she's neither bored or the tallest one. It's worked thus far. I mean there have been moments...there are always moments. usually at the end of the day when the teacher wants to "talk" and in the back of my mind I'm like

Like I'm no longer shocked by bumps and bruises. Usually they're from her tackling someone or jumping off of something when she's told not to or crashing into someone/something because she wants to see how long she can go until she HAS to stop...

She's always enjoyed playing with the boys. She's just as rough and tumble as they are - in her tutus and sparkly shoes and princess crowns. I honestly think we're invited to more boy parties than girl parties these days.

I actually showed up to pick her up from school one day while a mother was lecturing her son about how he needs to be "gentle" with Sunny because "she's a girl and you can't play with herlike you do with the boys." I actually cut in like "but if she's hurting you...you're allowed to get her off of you. self defense is admissible at this age..."

Well back to the recent issue.

There's a new kid at school. Samantha is older, taller, and more rough and tumble that Sunny. They also look pretty similar so they immediately were drawn to each other. Suddenly there was girl with similar eyes and similar hair and Sunny swore they were going to be best friends.

however, that is where the similarities stop.

Samantha is one of the poor few who's birthday falls directly after the kindergarten cut off. So while her previous classmates have all moved on, she switched schools and is stuck in pre-k for another year. So here she is at 5 years old stuck with new 4s. And to top that off she's coming from a montessori background so the structure of this program seems to be harder for her.


So she's already pushing the boundaries...before Sunny was riding right along with her...

until she realized that she was getting in trouble for it while Samantha was still getting the "well she's new..."

So after a few bad weeks we finally sat down and discussed saying "no thank you" and not doing things you know are wrong.

well Sammy...isn't taking no for an answer.

She's instead physically dragging Sunny into the problem...

so while I would love to be friends with this family...

shit it about to get real.

i thought i had a few more years before bullies...


at what age do you start teaching your kids its ok to use physical force on another person?

too soon?

The world's worst game of Where's Waldo

So every office has a "Karen" and I found ours.

So i got hired in July - right around the same time as...hmm...lets call her Artie, right around the time that Artie quit. Artie had been here for 100 years...or at least that's what she'll tell you. and she decided she wanted bigger and better opportunities.

Well my recruiter set me up with an interview here and they actually didn't hire me for it - they created another position for me...well because

Or something like that. Well Artie last a week at her new place and decided she wanted back into the fold. However....by then I was in her seat.

I took over her clients, her attorney, and her desk. Not intentional...that was what I was hired to do. 

I actually was here for about 2 weeks before she started. But from the moment she walked in...

At first I figured it was because I was new and she didn't trust me. Or that I took her spot. 

and...I mean...I don't have to like the people I work with. 

I can still get my job done.

 But that moment that you interrupt me in a meeting to tell me I'm wrong...when I'm not. 

I've noticed since I've become a paralegal that I have the same issues with older coworkers. I'm assuming its because I look like I'm 15 and i giggle a lot...that they think I don't know how to do my job....

and it only takes like one rude thing for me to be like 

Well Artie...I guess this is how it is now. We've been working on a project together for the whole week - and I've noticed I'm not the only one who reacts to her the way I do. I've been trying to stay nice...but it keeps fading at the end

We're having a hard time handing over responsibilities that are no longer on their plate. and I've actually been authorized to 

but, come on, I'm not that kind of girl. 

I'm really not confrontational. well not verbally..

Well I've spoken to a couple of the people and realized that Artie is...well, Artie. And I'm not the only person that she's rubbed the wrong way. 

which is actually a relief

(p.s. it's always really awkward to walk into someones office, shut the door and ask, "is she a bitch to everyone or is it just me..? cuz that could only go one of two ways...)

Are women the only ones who have these issues at work?

I never hear men talking about "that bitch in the office" or maybe they just punch each other and get over it. 

Women...we fight in subtext. 

and I'm just getting so tired or constantly reading between the lines...

one of these days I'm just going to have a Come-to-Jesus speech with some people. 

but before then I'm going to have to figure out how to walk that narrow line between assertive and ratchet...

and i have a tendency to trip over to one side

...not mentioning which one...

i'll let you decide. 

What are you reading Wednesday?

I've been reading like CRAZY recently.

all of my favorites have released books recently so I've been lost to the world. OOO and then I won an award at work. $25 amazon gift card...

just the excuse I needed to go book shopping.

Sunny has actually started hiding my kindle because i can't seem to put it down at night.

Lets start with the new author that I read recently.

Micaela Smeltzer

I ran across the Willow Creek series because...well I think I've read every other rock band romance series out there...I'm really over rocker romances at this point....the recommended book on amazon are well...more rocker romances...

So I'm trying to be impartial...but I think it's time for me to switch genre's for a while. I'm thinking of going back and finished up the Ender/Beans series...

(expand the horizon...get it..?)

There are four books in the Willow Creek series -  one for each band member. And I read them all in about a week so here we go with the reviews and recommendations...

The first book in the series is based on Maddox Wade and [[]]. This was a really cute PG rated high school romance. [[GIRL]] is your quintessential girl next door. She's kind of nerdy, beautiful without realizing it and a a hippy by nature. She's also a piano genius, rights music, but on;y listens to classical which is a perfect segue into how she runs into a world famous rock star and has no idea who he is. 

This was like a high school version of Kylie Scott's Lick. Well except the drunken wedding...It was cute. Hell it got me to read the rest of them .

Book two is based on Mathias Wade, Maddox's twin and his much mentioned long lost love, Remy. Mathias and Remy have dysfunctional kind of love affair. I kind of felt like I was missing something with all of the hot and cold going on in the story. And I don't know what happened between book 1 and book 2 ...but this one was like R rated compared to the last one. 

The last one the lights would turn off and the chapter would end...in this one...hell i kind of wanted the lights to turn off once in a while. 

It was a touching story. There were a lot of past issues Remy and Mathias had to work through. The story kind of jumped between going really slow to running full speed ahead. 

It wasn't my favorite of the series...

I preferred Lead by Kylie Scott...

Ornery lead singer. Strong independent woman. Lust, love. you get the idea. 

This one was my favorite. This was Ezra and Sadie's story. Sadie was Emma's best friend. And she's been in and out of the last few books. Some where along the line she became best friends with Ezra, Maddox and Mathias' foster brother. I missed when that happened, but anyway...

I'm a sucker for a friends to lover's story. 

Sadie finds out her fiance is cheating on her a week before her wedding and calls on Ezra to help...and suddenly the attraction they've been fighting all along explodes. 

I really enjoyed this one. The relationship seemed genuine. The issues were plausible and the characters were repeatably flawed. 

This was the book that actually started me on the series. I downloaded the sample and thought...hell lets start from the beginning. Arden is a single mother of a 3 year old and Hayes falls in love with her immediately. I mean that's the dream right? 

Anywhoo. The story starts off really well. Arden is a single mother and she's struggling and she's trying to protect her daughter but she's kind of falling for this guy who will do anything for her. Honestly the book could have ended half way through for me and I would have been satisfied. 

I think she fell in love like CRAZY fast. Not judging anyone elses parenting style...but the sleepover with him and her daughter was kind of too soon for me. 

but i guess they had to make room for craziness to come. Like Haye's crazy ass sister and her rude comments - that was never resolved and personally not handled the way I wold have liked. And then the sudden reappearance of her crazy ex husband. 

*SPOILER ALERT*

Oh that's another thing- she spend like so long talking about how upset she is that he left her all alone when she was pregnant - but then you find out he was beating her. But  when she was pregnant bounced...but she resents him for it? ummm...what?!?!

Then he comes back and starts breaking into her house and kidnaps her kid...and she like loses it. (understandable) but like...i don't think her sadness was enough...then suddenly the baby is found in a warehouse in NY...(they live in VA) and the guy is no where to be found...but boom suddenly he's in VA and breaking into a house (why doesn't anyone have a security system) and the body guards don't hear it (FIRED)...and then suddenly Hayes has a gun...

it was too much...just too much...

they lived happily ever after...the end. 

if you're looking for a cute sappy romance with a mom and a rich guy i'd suggest Kendall Ryan's Filthy Beautiful Lust

The woman has a kid and she's struggling. A guy falls for her...he's falls for him. The dad comes back. its more realistic...while still being a romance. 

Recommendation: eh...They're were cute. Don't knock it. They weren't my favorite rock star romance series. They weren't the worst either. Ms. Smeltzer is a good writer. She developed the characters, the plot was well thought out, the series was addicting. I'll probably go back and read some other books that she's written. Of the four I would probably recommend book 3 - that one was really cute. 

Claire Contreras came out with a new book

Paper Hearts (Good Reads)

Paper Hearts (Amazon)

I think Its gotten to the point where this woman could do no wrong to me. I fall in love with ever book I pick up by her. 

I think I posted about Torn Hearts last month, and since then I've been counting down to the release of paper hearts. 

Paper Hearts starts right where Kaleidoscope Hearts(KH) ends. The story follows Jensen and Mia. Friends who became lovers who broke apart. Their love story is hinted to in KH, and the background is given in Torn Hearts...but nothing can really prepare you for this story. 

So quick summary of Torn Hearts:

Mia and Jensen grew up together. They didn't start dating until College (these aren't spoilers...) until Jensen got into school across the country and they took a break. During that time Jensen got someone else pregnant. Suddenly both Jensen and Mia are forced to figure out what they're going to do now that their lives are being pulled in different directions. 

Paper Hearts starts at the epilogue of KH - at the wedding - where suddenly Mia and Jensen are forced to interact for the first time in 7 years.  and book progresses and big life changes keep pushing them into each other, but there's a lot of past issues that need to be resolved before they can move forward. 

The book brought back characters from KH. You get to see Elle, Oliver, and Victor. You get tons more of her brother, which was a lot of fun. There are great family dinner's with Mia's parents, and even a cameo of Jensen's foster mother.

It also introduced new characters and new environment. Jensen has a daughter, Olivia, who he's co-parenting with his ex wife. I really liked seeing a dad trying to find love. I thought the issues were totally realistic. I liked that even though they had a past it's been 7 years and their different people, but still...well who they have always been. 

I love how Claire writes. Dual perspective isn't for everyone. And a lot of times I avoid them like the plague because well...men and women don't think the same way and a lot of times authors make you believe life is a Nicolas Sparks books. Claire doesn't...she really gets into their heads. Everyone is flawed...and the best part of all...they don't lean on someone else to fix them. 

The characters have to pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together on their own. 

There's one line that says something like "I know I can live with her, but I don't want to anymore"

like come on!

Jensen is a writer, and his perspective is written like bits of his weekly column. I really tried to hate it. I don't know if it was my kindle or what, but 

t         h         e             w          o         r         d         s         l         o         o         k         e         d  

l         i         k         e                  t         h         i         s.

a         n         d                  t         r         y         i         n         g                  t         o

r         e         a         d              i         t                  w         a         s           l         i         k         e

b         r         a         i         l         l         e.

but in a matter of lines you get used to it and you don't want it to change. you really learn how to understand Jensen. The whole point of the character is that two people can love each other and understand what is said in the silence

To love someone and not want to change them.

Recommendation: I LOVED this book. Every second of it. I couldn't put it down and when i wasn't reading it I was thinking of everything that happened in it. I've recommended this to everyone I've spoken to since I got it. It's just a great story with a great meaning. just...READ. IT!

Last book that I completed this week:

Whitney Gracia

I haven't really gotten into my love of Whitney G. yet. I'm waiting for Resentment to come out, so I can just well devote a week or two on everything she's written that I love...but in the meantime she released an extended sequel to Sincerely Carter (which was awesome).

You've got to read Sincerely Carter to understand this story. (Which I totally recommend you do...because I've read it like 4 times already and still laugh when I read it). Sincerely Arizona starts right at the end and just kind of ties of loose ends. 

I don't really want to give too much away. 

There's another one coming out in 2016 - like a side story about their other friend Ethan. So I'm excited. But I'll get into that later. 

So I've been reading a lot in a week. And I'm still working on a couple more that came out recently, but haven't gotten around to completing. But yeah...

if anyone is ever looking for the perfect gift for me it would be an Amazon gift card...because well, 

You've got a friend in me...

One of best friends is getting married soon.

and i couldn't be more excited.

I've never really been one of claim a best friend. Not since preschool when I claimed Anna as my best friend and she turned around I said her best friend was Melody. I honestly think that was the last time I ever really tried...

Not to say I'm a loner. I have friends. really close friends. People I've known since preschool Anna for example - we had a 20 year reunion last year.

I can remember being a little girl and hearing my mother say that your husband should be your best friend. She probably said that in passing. She probably meant it in a completely different way. but i remember it. and i think that's why i tended to ditch friends whenever i had a boyfriend.

and then even when i don't have a boyfriend i have these "gypsy moments." These moments where my skin just feels too tight. This urge to just run and run and run...this feeling where I just need time alone to think or write or just...sleep...

so finding friends that understand that can be hard.

Friends that can deal with my over analyzing. my google stalking. my ranting just for the sake of ranting. my occassional dane cook references.

my bon qui qui references.

My need for spreadsheets and lists and plans and occasional no plan at all and just jumping in the car and going for an adventure...

Finding friends that you can go days...weeks...maybe even months between talking to...but still being friends. that's hard

I have a few friends that fit in that category.


even fewer that I could call my best friends.

2 actually

Rita and Martina

and they've been there for it all. For drunken college nights. Pledge meetings. bad hook ups. worse break ups. early morning coffee dates. and late nights where we wouldnt even speak but just sit together in the same room reading or watching tv...or just...sleeping.

When I decided i needed to move and couldn't afford a ticket Rita said "I always wanted to go on a road trip."

When I was 3k miles away with a 1 year old and felt alone and weak and called Martina saying i didn't think i could do it she simple said, "but i know you can"


They are simply the best people I know...and I couldn't be prouder to know them...and I couldn't be happier to call them my besties.


I met Martina before she met me. lol

She hates this story because...well it sounds kind of creepy honestly.

So I went to a small liberal arts college. Like tiny. It was the stereotypical liberal arts college in the north east. It was beautiful.

the first time i went there was for a college tour with my mother. It was like 8am on a sunday and the campus was dead except for the hoard of accepted students milling around with their legal guardians, and a group of upper class tourguides...

oh...and Martina ...

it was actually kind of suspicious. like something staged by the committee to show that students actually study on the weekend. the first time i saw her she was wandering into the library at like 8am on a Sunday...in sweatpants, a wifebeater, and no backpack...

i told her that years later and she swore i had stalked her.

i hadn't.

I mean there were like under 1k kids on campus...

we ran into each other...that's not stalking...

we saw each other around campus during my freshmen year, but i don't think we ever spoke until we pledge together my sophomore year. I just decided we were going to be BFFs. she thought i was nuts...but we were similar types of crazy and well..it worked.


I think I met Rita that same year. She was a freshmen my junior year.

She became good friends with a mutual friends younger sister. Rita and Naomi were connected at the hip their whole freshmen year. and Naomi's personality was so large that everyone else seems to vanish within it. But there was just something about Rita.

I honestly don't remember the exact moment we became friends. it was just kind of like we slid into it.

One day we were talking and I realized that all of those large and entertaining qualities that Naomi used to explode out with...were all coming from Rita. That she was kind of amazing. And real.

She was soo real.

So much so that we had to come up with a code phrase to either prepare oneself for possibly getting your feelings hurt with something that you knew to be true...but hell...sometimes you just want to avoid it sometimes.

But of the people from College that I still talk to...well its mainly those two. Mostly those two.

We meet up whenever I'm in town. We call each other weekly. I text them. I have to admit I'm not the best friend though. I forget to respond to messages. I don't always call people back immediately. The time difference is a BITCH.

But i have these moments when I just sit in my apartment late at night and just miss them.

I was just talking to Martina about that yesterday. She was trying to convince me to move back and that we could all get apartments in the same building and it would be like college all over again. And just the thought of being able to walk down the hall and see them both again...that would be the dream...

But before this gets any sappier....



Martina is getting married. and I could't be any happier for her.

I'm spreading the word around here like my coworkers know who she is. lol.

Plannign out bridal shower gifts and wedding gifts and hell...i'm even looking into future baby shower gifts...because the world needs more Martina's in it.

and i guess.... I dunno...

i just wanted to write it all down.


I don't tell them enough how much I love them. I never tell me how much I appreciate them....i rarely tell them how much I miss them...

but i do...

                         all the time.

                                                                always...


                                                                                           more and more everyday.