This one is for you...

I moved here almost 4 years ago. I was getting out of a bad situation. My marriage had fallen apart. I was working as a contractor for the government. I couldn't earn enough to survive, but made too much to get any form of assistance. X started causing more issues. X's mom started causing issues...hell even X's gf joined in on the fun.

It was just a bad situation.

X wasn't abusive. I want to reiterate that. He never hit me. He used his words...or lack there of to cause pain. I lost myself when I was with him. Trying so hard to fit into the mold that he wanted me to...or i thought he wanted me to...that I lost who i was. I can't blame him for that. He didn't force me into anything. I did that on my own...I allowed that to happen.

Never let someone tell you your worth.

That wasn't really supposed to be the point of this post...it was the background for this tidbit...

when I left I got a job as far away from X as I could get. Across oceans almost. And I went there knowing that I couldn't fail...i had no back up plan. i had to make this work...so I did. I worked at a little start up in a huge city all by myself. Just Sunny and Me...

well and my sister and niece for about 5 months before they picked up and moved back home...but that's another story...

and I worked for a firm that treated me just like X....i worked night and day and weekends and holidays anything and everything because I knew that I could NOT fail. It was not an option....

oh the stories I have there. The Thanksgiving where I worked all night, the day my coworker took me in a background and hit me, the phone calls from the partners telling me how i couldn't do anything right, the constant threat that I could be replaced and I would be out on own...

and I stayed...because there were no other options.

and after a year of that I got a job offer at a larger firm....and a little more freedom and I started to realize I was marketable and smart and fast....and then a man walked in and tried to pull the same shit...

I sat down for my yearly evaluation and listened as the office manager read his comments where he said i was rude and unwilling to communicate and worked like i just wanted to go home...

he tore down my character piece by piece...

and for the first time ever....i fought back. I didn't put up with it. I took a stand i told them that it wasn't true and I proved it...and then i found somewhere better and I left.

This wasn't meant to be a depressing post.

I'm really writing because today it's over. That firm. That X-firm...today they're closing. They're closing their door and never opening it again.

and not that i ever wish ill will on anyone...but i have to admit...that i'm smiling a little.

So this is for you

it was fun

...until it wasn't

-buh bye

I think I'm going to like it here

Get it? Cuz I'm the New Kid on the Block at work

I know I'm friggin hilarious.

So far so good.

The commute leaves a lot to be desired...

and its even crazier because I drop Sunny off at school in the city

and then get in my car and drive to my job on the coast

It's the most surreal experience. Like my day is so bipolar. I leave and the sun is going up and the roads are packed and people hate life and then all of a sudden

Ok maybe not exactly like that. Since that is SanFran I don't work there...I mean come on that's a major city. But the fog and the sun...you get the point. Sheesh

Its almost magical. That moment when I leave the city and suddenly enter another world. 

And the firm is another world to. 

I guess that's what you get being in a beach town. 

Everyone is laid back. Even when they're stressed they're laid back.  I honestly don't know what to do about it. I'm so used to running and jumping that I'm forgotten what it's like to walk.

I'm sure I'll figure it out though...


I honestly can't wait. 

Last day at this firm

Or in the "words" of Mariah...

What are you reading Wednesday

This one is for Claire.

Ms. Contreras snuck in a free book a few weeks ago.

I always love that. When you're randomly searching for a new book on your kindle and suddenly one of your top authors has something up.

and to just top it off...

So I feel for Ms. Contreras when I read the first book in this series.

Kaleidoscope Hearts:

oh man, I fell in love. and I fell in love HARD. 

I went into it thinking that it was just one of these "I'm in love with my best friend's sister"...but wow did things change. Kaleidoscope hearts has so much more. Estelle (Elle) and Oliver (Bean)  have a past. They grew up together. They have friends and common and memories, and jokes. They grew closer and further apart and it wasn't always rainbows and unicorns.  They had tried in their own way to make it work...and well...it didn't...and strangely enough i loved that. I loved how real it was.

I love that Estelle moved on with her life after that and didn't wait around for Oliver to catch up. I love that she dated other people and got engaged and lived...I love that they still loved each other through it. And I even love that things still weren't easy for them when they finally set their minds take trying to make stuff work.

I don't want to give away any spoilers - but in it's own way...I loved that what brought them back together wasn't nice or happy or beautiful...it was real...it was life...

There wasn't anything in this book I didn't love. 

So when I found out that Claire was coming out with another book in the series...and it was about Estelle's best friend...well....

and this surprise prequel to the story...

The full book is coming out September 10th, so I the count down as begun. I think I'll just review everything together because - well...i dunno. I just want to wait for it.


Claire has a bunch of other books out as well.

I really enjoyed Catch Me

It broke my heart and taped it back together and then ran it over and then glued it shut...the book...my god...

and speaking about killing you slowly...

Darkness Series

Just...there are no words...

...yeah...

So that's what I've been reading. Or Torn Hearts anyway...and it just lead to remembering everything else.

But you know me...once I'm on a tangent...

Laterz

So my job doesn't pay out sick leave...

...so I guess I'm going to be hanging out at home for a couple of days.

I actually do have some work I need to done on my car.  The only problem is that I'm a single woman living on my own. No that sounded really anti feminist...and i didn't mean it like that. I meant that I live on my own so dropping my car off the get work done means I'm literally without a car.

A problem i didn't really think through. Like I know there's uber...but I'm not going to pay the estimated $20 so a 2 mile drive...

today i decided to walk it.

have i mentioned I'm out of shape?

                                                                                                                 ....thus I feel like death...


So the plan for catching up on reading is kind of out of the window because I'm sure if i lay down I'm never getting back up...

Until then I guess I can fill you in on some more aspects of me life?

I got married at 24. Because well I was pregnant and obviously that is the ideal time to make other huge life altering decisions.

so lets see - I can actually define each year with some huge life decision I've made

23 - found out I was pregnant
24 - got married and had a baby,
25 - got legally separated and moved across the country
26 - got my first apartment
27 - started a new job
28 - got divorced and well started this blog...

so I don't really know where to go from here, honestly. I mean tons of other things happened than the list of above but...well I'm tired so expect the reader's digest version of events today...

Touché, Rory, Touché

So I've successfully carried on having a blog for almost a week without talking about my kid...

That is actually an accomplishment, because in person she the main thing I talk about.

So lets remedy this:

Sunny is 4 today...A fact I actually forgot until mid last week. Like don't judge me. I know my daughter's birthday, its just that this year we're actually having a birthday party with friends that isn't for another 2 weeks - and since I've been so focused on that it slipped my mind that her actual birthday was like...

.
why is her birthday party so late? Well because Sunny's best friend's birthday is the same week as hers and they beat me to the date I wanted. oh well.

I don't know if I've really processed that she's going to be 4...

To be completely honest I don't know where the time went.

Pregnancy felt like FOREVER. but these last 4 years have been a blink of the eye.

or

and kind of

and a lot of

We had a pretty busy weekend- not in the way that it usually is.  We usually have a million different things on the weekends. Ice skating lessons, dance lessons, groceries, errands, etc.

However, this Saturday we spent all of 3 minutes on the ice until Sunny realized she needed to pee...10 minutes too late...and by then. well...

So I just gave up for the day.

I think that's a lot of parenting...like just seeing how much you can do before you hit the point where you just say - fuck it i give up.

So we just stayed in and eventually went and hung out with family.


She even had a Skye session with her dad...which was a first.

I'm finding that dealing with him is a lot easier now that the divorce is finalized.

                           and there's 3k miles between us

                                                and I have absolutely no expectations for him


maybe maturity comes with age....or a piece of paper that says that he has no rights to me or her...

you choose.

Either way all of these seems rather surreal.

Parenting a 4 year old in an of itself is a huge change.

She's a lot of fun...but I don't know if we're really friends anymore. We're starting to argue a lot these days which is just kind of a crazy concept to me.

I don' thtink I ever felt safe enough to argue with my mother as a child.

Sunny...no fear...

I think subconsciously i've always hoped for that kind of Gilmore Girl relationship with her...but at the time i had totally forgotten what that really entailed.

I guess i'm just going to steer into the curve.

and see what the hell happens next...

How old was Stella when she got her Groove back?

I've been stalling on pursuing another relationship until after my divorce was finalized. It took 4 years...and well...i mean I know it's not adultery if you're separated...(or at least I think it's not)...so I've been saying i'll try again at 30.

I mean lets be serious i did "talk" to someone for a little bit in there. But after a slight disagreement and he attempted to put me on the silent treatment which kind of backfired...

...well long story short he told me he found me "too independent"...

So...since then...well I have romance novels ...
                                                             ...and audio books...
                                                                                  ...and a vivid imagination...



But lets be serious. I haven't casually dated since...2007?

                                     omg...

                                                                                                             2007

Do you remember what was happening in 2007?

Come travel back with me...

Highest Grossing film in the US?

Newly published

Friggin Destiny's child was still together...

OK...Just kidding. 

But Irreplaceable was number 1

High School Musical 2 came out...and i watched it... 

Speaking of things I was watching...ready for this downward spiral?

I love New York

Flavor of Love Charm School

Rock of Love

Wow...VH1 was winning in 2007...

and let's not forget...

So obviously I'm out of practice in the dating field....

Any pointers?

What are you reading Wednesday?

Background - I'm the Harry Potter Generation - i.e. i read the books BEFORE the movies.

So I read a lot. Like A LOT. I find an author and just obsess until I've read everything they've ever written or until they just kind of give up the ghost and change their writing style to something I just can't handle anymore. (not mentioning any names...). Not to mention the kidlet has taken over the tv...so its either the kindle or Caillou.

My favorite books are a list that crazier than a normal person would understand. Just to name a few:

• Harry Potter  by J.K Rowling 
• 1-7 pick one. they're all up there. I'd say 7, 3, and 1 are probably a bit more dear to me, but that changed kind or daily
• Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
• I got really into Bean's story too, but I had to pull back when I started dreaming about military maneuvers in Burma...which isn't even a country anymore and things got real...
• Whitney, my Love by Judith McNaught
• The first romance novel I EVER read. It started the obsession...It started everything. 
• Confess by Colleen Hoover
• Or anything by Colleen Hoover. She's fantastic. I keep trying to get people to fall on the band wagon, but they keep resisting. Just fall already. FALL. I will warn you about Ugly Love...only read that if you really want to die...
• Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon
• Oh the dark hunters. My dirty little secret for so long until I shared it with the BFF. I kind of stopped reading the series after this one. I think after your favorite character's story has been resolved you don't really need to know what else happens
• The Wind Done Gone by Alice Randall
• Wow was this book too soon when i read it. But it was amazing. I read it every summer for years. Its AMAZING. 
• Glitter Baby by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
• Great writer. Just great. And I'm big on back stories so this was fantastic. 
• Kaleidoscope Hearts - Clair Contreras 
• A new author I started reading. I don't even know how I feel into this book, but man am I happy I did. 
• Lead by Kylie Scott
• The whole Stage dive series is fantastic and the audio books are narrated by Andi Arndt which makes it even better, but there's just something about the dynamic of the two main characters...omg...
• The Fault in Our Stars by James Green
• don't judge me....i know...
• and on and on and on...

That list grows and shrinks...but those are currently at the top of my kindle.

Right now I'm reading a lot of Whitney Gracia Williams, Kendall Ryan, Kylie Scott, and Jamie Shaw. Waiting for the next Whitney book to come out, still working on Kendall Ryan, finished Kylie Scott, so I think I'll wait and writing their odes a bit later...

So let's focus on Jamie Shaw since I just finished her latest book last week. 

I accidentally joined the Last Ones to Know fandom. I am a HUGE Andi Arndt fan. She's the best audiobook narrator that I've come across. I listen to all of her books. That's how I found Kylie Scott, and the Stage Dive crew. It's also how i found Mayhem...

The books are based around a band called...you guess it

The Last Ones to Know. 

Book 1 Mayhem

Which is about Lead singer Adam and Nerdy girl Rowan. It's a cute Cinderella story. A college age story of mistaken identity, full of alcohol, and rock and roll.  You know how it's going to end even before it begins...but hey, if you have a free token ready on audible - get it. It'll make your day.

The audiobook is narrated by Andy, which i'm sure you're aware. So even if the book wasn't fantastic...she would make it. Luckily enough the book stands on it's own two feet, and her humor and acting prowess just make it smooth like butter...

Book 2 - Riot

I don't even know if I have words for this one. Like it throws you through so many loops you finish it catching your breath.

It stars bass player Joel and best friend Dee. It brings back the old crew, but with a new dynamic - since these two characters start off skipping straight to the physical and then some how muddling through the rest. It had highs and lows, tears and heart break. Damn book made me cry like 3 times, but it was fantastic.

It was nice to see the old crew again. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Joel since I wasn't too crazy about him in book 1, but dammit he caught me off guard. He has a tough up bringing, hell Dee has a tough background and trying to get either one of them to let down the guard is frustrating...but it works.

It's a college age story, so we're not looking for them to get married at the end, but it fits perfectly with the age group and the fights and make ups and break ups just remind me a lot of life in my early twenties. 

and finally

Book 3 - Chaos.

I counted down to this book. I preordered this book. I stayed up all night reading the book and then still had to buy the audio book because I couldn't put it down on my way to work.

Actually for some crazy reason Chos released at 9pm on my kindle instead of midnight (So midnight EST). Best surprise ever. But don't tell Amazon....

It might be my favorite of the series thus far. 

Chaos starts during Riot so you kind of know what's going on if you've been reading the series. Lead guitarist, Shawn Scarlett, had been my favorite from book 1. I'd been waiting to see him lose his footing and he finally did with Kit Larson. They have a past that neither one wants to admit to the other, and an obvious attraction. It was perfect in the sense that no one is actually the good guy in the situation. I don't want to give away any spoilers, because the story is too great to ruin.

There's a great cast of supporting characters. The band and the girlfriends that you grow attached to in the first 2 books are there. The book focuses more on Kit and her family which consists of 4 brothers. They're there and they add insight, laughs, and pull on your heart strings, but they don't over power the story.

I wish there was a bit more about Shawn's background. I would love to see his family at some point, but I'm sucker for a back story. 

I fell hard for these too. Yelling at them when they made the wrong choices, sighing when they made the right ones. Oh the feels. 

And to make it even better the epilogue starts you right into Mike's book. Not sure when that comes out, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Great book. Great series. 

Totally recommending it to everyone 

Resignation

I'm trying to figure out how this Blog is going to work. Like blogs seems to come with rules. You shouldn't have too many topics or you'll confuse ppl, you shouldn't give too much information otherwise you'll get stalkers, be provocative, but don't be skanky, entertaining but know you're not a comedian, no one likes a negative nancy, no one's reading daily rants...

So....ummm...

                                                                                           .....this should be interesting...

hmmm. So...what to talk about...

I quit my job last week. Don't worry I have another job lined up. I'm gangster, but not that gangster.

I'm a paralegal. So- what that means is...when you see an attorney doing cool lawyer-ly stuff....well I'm the lucky one who's doing all the background work.

Well that just made it seem a whole lot more exciting than it really is. It really feels more like...

                                                                         

But now that I gave my notice...its feels more like:

I became a paralegal because I went to school and majored in History.

Option A - Teacher

The dream was to be a history teacher or if possible college professor. It wasn't until senior year that the professors sat us down and told us that chances of becoming a professor were about as high as winning the lottery and that that teachers actually don't make a lot of money.

So Option B - Lawyer

                                                                                              because seriously how sexy is that? 

So I took a year off to figure out what i wanted to do with my like. And of course I was totally studious and super productive

and applied for law schools and got wait-listed everywhere. 

Onto Option C - Paralegal

I applied to a paralegal certificate program - figuring that at least then I'd know what type of law I wanted to go to school for once I got my life together. So halfway through paralegal studies the supervisor came in to tell us the truth

...seriously why don't they just do this at the get go?...

she told the following story

"i always planned on going to law school after being a paralegal for a few years. but I remember working late one night and walking past an attorneys office. She was in her 30s, pretty, smart, exhausted, single, no kids and all she did was work and stress......and I asked myself...so I want to be her?! So that's why I stayed a paralegal"

so...that's here I am a paralegal...

(ooo...and i got pregnant 

so law school was kind of out of the question. 

But those details will follow...patience...)

For the most part it's...well fun isn't exactly the right word...it's....something that pays the bills. I mean it's challenging and it's new - constantly new. I used to enjoy it...but at the current firm where i work...well i kind of forgot about the good parts because well...well every firm has a Karen

You've just got to find the place you can deal with more than others.

So long story...not so short....I'm starting a new job in 2 weeks. Hopefully with a different group of Karens' and an environment that I'd like to settle into for a while... You know...while i figure this whole life thing out. And hey...if it sucks then I'll just quit and finally go to school to be a teacher...

well...at least that's a thought...




but that's all I can really do...isn't it?



Thoughtful
- Ly